I’ve been fussing about this for so long that maybe it’d be a relief for me to say this out loud or at least in person to you, removing all thoughts and possible awkwardness along the way. But it already was you know? since the New Year’s day message I knew I’d screw up, I wasn’t as sure that maybe I could’ve just blamed it all on “The New Year’s moment“, or I that was drunk (even though I wasn’t). I kept shaking and I didn’t know what to do afterwards, I waited for class to start again and see what would happen. I kept this at the back of my mind all Christmas break. Only until then was I broken when I saw your face.
I knew that something didn’t work out, maybe? I don’t know…
Maybe everything seemed fine you know? that maybe I was over reacting to this and maybe it would be all just very nice. All out in the open to you. I did say that I would still be “okay if we were just friends” but a little part me didn’t want that; it only wanted to be with you.
I saw your face with confusion and a little bit of awkwardness, wasn’t as to sure to wave to you and say hi; but I still did any way, I got a smile. But I think behind that was a fake smile everyone knew how to do.
Emotions surface and I’m about to burst out, but with years of repression I said that my stomach ached. I looked at it and see that maybe that was harmless and maybe that nothing bad actually happened that night.
Days pass and it was just like when it was any other, me and you not talking almost at all ; only when walking past you and with me probably making stupid faces.
A sudden regret of all the things I had done resurface again and the thing I did broke my train of thought I felt sad, and confused and anxious about the situation, and with the retreat coming soon I knew had to do something, it came to my idea that aside from saying that I like you in just a message that I’d also do it in person where all the fear is placed and I’m in the moment.
We were all hanging out in a hut, where almost everyone was present including our prof. Everyone was talking about how we were sorry about the things we did to each other and were finally making up for lost time, mind I say that the hut was dimly lit that you could’ve barely seen the faces of the others but it was still lit enough that you could see the outline of their heads.
We only had about an hour to talk about our sorry’s with the class, I nervously skipped my turn only to speed up the rotation, because I didn’t have any issues so far with the class. We were now called inside because the break was over, everyone was heading in and I only had just a few seconds to think and tell you to 1.) stay because I really have something to tell you or 2.) lose the chance, regret this forever; because my mind is somewhat annoyingly incapable of moving on
I snapped and somehow told you to stay, I was scared of thinking that I was actually doing this; just like ripping off the band-aid.
The breeze was cold and strong since the event took place in one of the mountain states of the country, you could see the lake when it was daytime and the small volcano. ( Taal volcano ) The hut was near one of the rooms and with a swing to compliment it.
Okay back to the moment which seemed like forever to reach with all the descriptive descriptions of the place.
In the Hut…
Everything I just said a while ago was there and it happened, I felt the cold air enter my hoodie which sent chills down my spine making me anxious and when I am anxious I stutter as hell, I couldn’t even speak properly. We were standing in front of each other and with that I knew what I had to say. Out of sheer stupidity or courage (because I didn’t know which one was the right one) as one of my friends would say, I DID IT. I fussed around and I couldn’t think straight, it was all floosy and yes I just made up a word for how I feel.
I couldn’t see your expression as much because it was really dark. I all I knew that is or was ( I was just thinking this ) is that you were freaking out. Because this seemed crazy, that I’ve already told in message now in person? that a person like me ever falls for a person like you, (it seems so unconventional) you know? I kept shaking the entire time I was with you but I think that also has something to do with the cold air as my body temperature was suddenly lowering. I couldn’t give myself that idea or the words that I didn’t want to hear so I said that you could leave and never speak of this between anyone but us again. And in that moment you rushed out of the hut and went back inside.
I wanted to say outside for a while, feel myself with what I had just done but we were already behind schedule so I just went back inside, as much as I loved the warmth inside the building I would’ve rather just sat there in the hut. In the dark with the fairly dim lights and think about what I had just done, I should’ve pat myself in the back there, I did something only people who were sure enough to know that they like tell them they liked them. I would’ve felt the breeze run through my skin and feel the happiness I would’ve felt for doing what I just did.
I think I slept alright knowing that doing something out of my comfort zone would actually help.