I guess I have nothing to hide, now that the both of you know; I guess now I’m just in a position to just support you guys in whatever you’re doing, by the way I wasn’t sure that telling you might have been the right thing to do. But since doing that fairly recently; things have been alright between us. Let’s just hope that it stays this way or at least until the end of the year…
It came from the fact that you were one of my best friends of four years, which made it harder for me to tell you, that the fact that it would have potentially our friendship scared me. I didn’t want to risk that; but I also wanted to help myself mentally that if I did tell you about what I felt about you two, my mind would have eased itself knowing that my feelings were valid. Not that I needed validation from you specifically but for me personally.
I bottled this for a while, I asked people who knew about the situation and they told me to just accept this and move on “Oh! so that’s what I should’ve done, just move on; I must’ve been that stupid to think that; that was the thing I had to do. wow thank you sooo much!) as said with such sarcasm I kind of like left some conversations there.. but they were actual right you know? I guess I just got caught in the fact that I am somewhat jealous and that you know, that the answer is right there. That I really do just have to move on.
Apparently they seem to think I haven’t been trying (hard enough). It’s actually hard because: 1.) They’re your friends and 2.) You’ll regularly see them because you guys are in the same class. I’m currently in the process; but seeing me or knowing me personally you’d know how far I have come from. Ever since the post Untitled things have really changed for me, I didn’t want to drown myself in this (sadness) so I thought that I might just go with the flow and find someone else; people have been telling me that there’s a lot of people out there, probably better or just like the one you’ve been fretting about. It might seem pointless at this point and time, c’mon were like what? sixteen? what am I doing spending my life just like falling for people and torturing myself after knowing that they don’t like me back? I gotta have some back bone here and finally have the courage to just move on .
I’ve been very talkative about me, but the actually topic for this post was actually about the moment on how I told you the we both liked the same person , let me fix that saying that we had the same feelings for that person for some quite some time now and apparently you have gotten the chance to be with that person while I somehow sit here and mop around like some sad sack.
I acted weirdly for the past few days knowing that you like each other (I was a little jealous okay? but I mean who doesn’t?) I acted distant sometimes as much I knew that it was wrong I continued to do it though. Hmmm looking back at this now makes me see how much of a petty person I am, I’m a work in progress but still…
Both of you asked for pictures of each other and it annoyed me but you didn’t know back then. It was all okay for you but I wasn’t and this lasted for days, god how petty am I?
Anyways it was Home Ec. class and I had the chance to tell you, I messaged you the night before about telling you something which was that; you know… I had chills about what I had just sent thinking how weirded out you would be once you knew about this, of course this was kind of a personal thing to do. And with what’s been going on between you two and now I’m suddenly going tell you the same thing. Like I was anxious I kept over-thinking things like this and I like jumped to conclusions.
Anyways I kept thinking how weird it would be the next day, you were very much intrigued to know what I was going to say but that only made me more anxious (I guess everyday I’m anxious) we had free time and I had finally got the courage to you god how many times do I have to repeat that? anyways back to story again. I didn’t feel like I had a choice because the reason I was going to this was because of the answer my friends have given to me and that I should tell you how I felt about the situation.
I was put in the moment I had to tell you of course, I was going to punch the idea of doing it because the thoughts came rushing into me but I said fuck it, that if you didn’t understand I guess we’re not friends anymore. I got mad with that assumption but that might have been shallow of me to think of that. You are really just a sweet person all around the one a lot people liked and was lucky enough to be liked by one the people everyone almost adored as well, should I say that’s a match or what?
I did tell you in the end. you were pretty shocked.. can I say that? that I liked someone like that the unconventional seems quite conventional. I told you the reasons why and you seemed to understood, which was great because I didn’t want us to not be friends, you accepted it and I guess we’re still friends. No matter what though, I supported you in this decision because that’s what friends do, I just wished that I had done it sooner, I didn’t want things to be weird around us.
A few days have passed and we seem to be okay, just like nothing happened the day resumed into something like another a pretty regular one, but I still can’t let go of the fact that I still like the person… the history behind something might just be too great that I’ll be eventually be able to move on but with time. Not like the others where it was just like boop and they’re official y someone I don’t like, anymore.
I have the time to work up on this and eventually I’ll check up on myself and see how I’m doing from then to now.